There's a light that never goes out

© A. Bottarel - All Rights Reserved

Take me out tonight

Where there's music and there's people

Who are young and alive

Driving in your car

I never, never want to go home

Because I haven't got one

Anymore

The Smiths

Dedicated to N. 

Piling up bricks. Working with my bare hands. Unexpected result of what should have been a geeky weekend. N sounds almost relieved when I tell her what I'm doing. Part of me is relieved too, some other part is kinda pissed, but maybe this will help me having less stuff to throw in my own face later on. 

It's amazing how we manage to find incredible ways to get along with other people and we never really learn how to deal with ourselves. This song, this post is for her and for me. Because that's what we really have in common: a deep inability to deal with ourselves, with the place we live in (I'm not gonna call them "home" for a precise reason), with our own emotions. 

But that's not uncommon, on the contrary. We are social animals, always reaching for something different. Those of us who don't feel the need to are blessed with peace of mind and ignorance.

You can choose whether to envy or pity them. 

So we can live on our own, can't we? But there's a light that never goes out. And it burns, and it keeps us thinking, casting the shadow of our thoughts on the walls inside our skull. There's no real peace for the open minded, guzzling down inputs from the outside world like candies. And we want more. And it's never enough. It's a good thing, but sometimes we just fail to handle our addiction. 

Home is not a safe place. Home is not a dark place, 'cause there's a light that never goes out.

What you are not

It can happen. Actually, it just did.

Almost five months of not being myself. At least not the one I used to know. I don't know why I got so far in this, but it's probably due to the fact that I fear regrets more than anything else in the world, and I was never a 

"party-boy", so I gave it a shot. I can't say it was totally worth it. The only thing I can say is that somehow I

had to do it. 

It's just that the idea that some people out there, in the real world, think of me (if-ever) as something I am not,

kind of upsets me, even though I'm the only person responsible for that. So how do I know who I really am? I take a look at myself in the mirror and then focus on the little things, the details.

Because it's on the details that we focus our attention, after all. Well, at least I do. 

I know, it's a huge mistake, but I can't really blame myself. The great matters in life only seem to surface when 

we already enjoyed everything else. I am very good at procrastinating and it seems a pretty common issue between human beings, especially when it comes to relationships.

It's just that the other way around doesn't really work, does it? We all are so fond of other people's details. 

The way she dresses, the music she listens too, the way she eats or fixes her hair behind her ear. Then the big

arguments come along, but it's already too late. After you shared so much, it's time to simply agree on something or not. 

More or less, it's the same with the relationship we have with ourselves. We take care of details, 'cause we know that other people will be looking for those, and sometimes we tend to forget (willingly or not) what we really enjoy.

Well, I can say I tried to forget myself, but in the end I kinda like the whole "thing", so now it's back-on-track,

I'm gonna choose the details I like in the first place.