Frail and bedazzled

© A. Bottarel - All Rights Reserved





So, now listen here
I wanna be, ohh so clear
I lost my soul, lost I'll stay
Between your hands, and my beliefs
And here I am
Frail
Frail and bedazzled from all the glare 




The Smashing Pumpkins

To use lyrics, once again, to express what's going on in my head and my life. I don't wanna whine, no sir, but it could be easier than this. Responsibilities, true or imagined, lie on my chest like a very unwelcome guest. And yet they manage to bring me down, make me feel like I'm suffocating when, truly, I'm starting to see the end of my efforts. Is that what makes this so hard? I want to make it on my own, but why? Is it just stupid pride? Am I waiting for this to be over just so I can pat myself on the shoulder? Way to go man, way to go.

I'm feeling the urge to run away from here and leave the mess behind, like I used to do. But not this time. You can keep pushing it down, but it will surface again, sooner or later. I need to fix this mess. Make an ass of myself in the doing, maybe, but I need to be coherent and not to feel like I cannot handle reality. 

Still, it's raining a lot these days. Everything's weird, and it's not just me. The weather, my thoughts, the things I do and say. Some of them never happened before. I just sit here and think "My God, why on earth have I done that? Why have I said that?". If I were a paranoid-conspiracy-UFO-believer, I would think that some aliens are forcing me to do certain things, or the government is testing the effects of stress AND bad luck on me. 

But it's just life, as it is, a bunch of things that, put together, barely make any sense. What are you gonna do? Live with it. I can't help feeling frail and bedazzled, not in control at all, but I already learned how to float, I guess it's time to get some surf going.